Troubled Waters

A year or so ago I began to feel something like a heaviness making it’s way into my life. I felt like I was up against an enemy that I couldn’t see, and I didn’t know what this enemy wanted. A thick darkness began to make its way into every area of my life. I found myself physically sick only to have the medical profession chalk it up to stress and anxiety! That angered me! I knew I wasn’t making up all this pain I was experiencing! It was not all in my head! So I continued to attempt to fight this enemy that was stealing my joy, my health, and yes even my mental health! It caused issues in every area of my life. It began to affect my job, my personal relationships, my home, etc…. I didn’t feel like going to work, I didn’t have the energy to clean the house after working, I dreaded the evenings as much as I dreaded the mornings. I would drag myself out of bed and force myself to go to work when I could then I knew I’d have to drag myself home and at least cook something for my husband and Halen to eat. Then there was Halen I had to keep it together for her until her bedtime. I’m telling y’all, talk about the struggle being real! But the weight of the struggle just got heavier and heavier.

Then Tonya Renea VanWinkle came home for a weekend. We’d had this weekend planned for months. It was just a mother-daughter weekend spending time at a women’s conference in Branson. She flew in on the exact same day that I finally had an answer to what was wrong with me. I had finally gotten sick enough that my doctor decided to order a bunch of tests. And as I already knew, it had nothing to do with my mind conjuring up some phantom pain. Anyway I tell her and Tim that apparently I have a hole in my esophagus and somehow my stomach has managed to slide up through my diaphragm into my thoracic cavity 😳! I was still trying to process this information when I was telling them. I had never heard of such a thing! How’s does that even happen?🤷‍♀️ so anyway Tonya and I go away for our weekend and I was truly able to relax. If we weren’t in a conference session, I was sleeping. Tonya said, that’s when she began to see just how “run down” I had gotten myself. Our weekend ends and She flies back home and life went on. I found myself grasping for anything that would keep me going.

Anyway Tonya found the way I looked and the condition my house was in a bit scary. She knew something was really wrong and I needed some serious help. So a week later I came home from work and found her standing in my kitchen!😳 WHAT???? She’s says I’m here to help you. I must have released a lot of stress right then and there because I became a crying hot mess right there in my kitchen. So here it is February 10th 2020 and she’s been here since the last week of October 2019!

I’m ashamed to have to admit that I was not always the easiest person to help. I probably would have went home a long time ago and left me to continue on the best I could. But she’s a warrior! She has stuck it out and stayed in there. I haven’t cooked a meal since she’s been here, I haven’t gone grocery shopping not even once since she’s been here, she’s redone my bathroom, deep cleaned my kitchen and organized it, she’s been amazing help with Halen, and on and on it goes. I’m going into my second post surgery week and I’m doing really good. She’s going to stay through most of this week but on Thursday, as long as I don’t have any set backs, she’s going to begin the trip home and back to her own life and family. Please pray for her to have a safe trip.

With me on the mend, and Tonya leaving, and the weight beginning to lift, the light beginning to fill my life, and fresh air seems to be flowing in and the darkness has been fought through, I feel there are some major changes on the horizon, changes for the better of course but change is always a bit scary. I’ve decided not to constantly ask God for definitive absolutes but I’ve given him the wheel (so to speak) and I’m saying, “I don’t know how’s this is supposed to play out, and I’m scared about giving up that control, but I’m trusting that you have my back and you’re leading me at the same time. I’m real good at making a mess of things so I’m gonna hold tight to your hand follow your lead.” So please pray for me as I surrender my life completely into God’s hands. I was reading yesterday and in the book the author was talking about surrendering your life completely and how hard that is. How often have I used her line with God? (Quote): “Dear God, lets be
co-rulers. Love. Me.” I have fallen into the trap of being constantly on the go. Many, many things I think I have to do is meaningless and has no value in God’s kingdom. I’m beginning to understand that when I align myself with God’s perspective I can sort out what is important and what is not. I’ve got some healing to do yet. It’ll be a few weeks before I’m back to 100%, but I’ll get there. I will press on.

People have been so generous and helpful during this difficult time. People have reached out to me just to let me know they are praying for me, and for my family. My heart has been overwhelmed many times with a such gratitude and thankfulness for all the kindness that has been sent my way. I’m so undeserving and yet I’ve never felt so loved. So thank you to all of you and God bless you.

I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye. Psalm 32:8